Trying to have faith...

I know it has been about a million years since I last wrote. I am sorry. Everything feels like such a whirlwind, somehow the days seem to go by without me even noticing.

My life remains as uncertain as ever, and as time progresses I find it harder and harder to be patient. I have applied for so many grants I have lost count, I keep sending my CV and proposals off and getting no response. Sometimes I feel like screaming into the mailbox slot. It is all starting to really get to me. It is no longer even just about the money anymore. I did the math and realized that I would have to get ALL of the remaining grants I have yet to hear back from in order to have my costs met for next year. So in order to start my PhD I would have to have to take out more loans and go farther into debt. That is pretty much a certainty for me now. The question is, do I believe in my work that much?

Like I said, this isn't just about the money anymore. I need someone, anyone at this point, to tell me that they believe in my work, that it is worthwhile enough to warrant financial support. That is what getting a fellowship or a scholarship would mean to me at this point. It is so hard to feel like the only person in the world who knows, understands and believes in my work. My friend Ben was telling me the other day how impressed he was that I have such faith in what I am doing. That made me laugh. Unfortunately, faith in your research after repeated rejections just means that you are stubborn, and the reality is no one can do this alone.

This is just what I am facing when I consider my long-term future. I also have the minor issue of my fieldwork to consider, and how many grants and fellowships I have left to hear from about that. Actually, the list has been whittled down to 4 to be exact. But I have decided I am going. I can't have thought about, read about, written and re-written about something for a year only to never make it there. I am going to Cambodia in July, even if no one wants to help me. I need this for my sanity.