Recovering From the Initial Panic

This past week has been quite a roller-coaster for me. I decided that I would not be able to afford beginning my PhD at Cambridge this fall. It was a very difficult conclusion for me to have to make, but it probably could have been made a while back. I kind of irrationally refused to give up hope that funding would come through somehow, somewhere. It took receiving the last rejection letter for it to all sink in.

There is no doubt that I knew I should probably wait to begin my PhD, funding issues aside, simply because I am not ready. I am too young and have had too few experiences outside of school. I think I know where I am going and what I am doing but really I probably have no clue. And staying in school was also something I was trying to do because I was afraid of NOT being in school. I have never NOT been in school and frankly the idea terrified me. So the past week has brought the disappointment of not being able to return to a place that I genuinely did love and feel at home, and the complete panic of having no idea what to do next.

After the initial panic wore off I began to feel a little better about the situation. I have always had each stage of my life planned out so this little train derailment has been an adjustment for me. Probably one that I needed and will come to appreciate. Everyone that I have talked to says that time in the "real-world" will give me focus and help me figure out where I am going and what I want to do. I know that they are right but it has been a hard idea to get used to. I am good at school and I know how to be a good student. I have no idea where to go next and if I will be any good there. Fear of failure outside of school was not, obviously, the only reason why I wanted to spend the next three years doing a PhD, but I am sure it was a motivating force. Which, like it or not, I now have to get over.

So I have been trying to figure out ways to make the next year or two as beneficial, educational and rewarding as possible. As I have only deferred my PhD at this point, I am still technically a student and therefore eligible for some pretty interesting internships. I have already decided to apply for ones in Paris, Rome and Washington, D.C., so who knows what this time away from school will bring. I have also begun looking at jobs too, although the only position I seem qualified to be is a Researcher. Sounds close to being in school to me!

On top of adjusting to the idea of endless possibilities and uncertainty ahead of me, I have also been writing my dissertation as much as possible over the past week. I need to have a first draft to my advisor by the end of next week. It is going well, but it is hard to not think about everyone's expectations for the end result. So many people have helped me with this research, and everyone is so excited about it, but I can't help but wonder if it will live up to their expectations. I really want to make all their efforts worthwhile and make people proud of what I was able to accomplish. My advisors are already talking of publishing my dissertation and it is barely half done. This is immensely flattering but also scary because I might end up dissappointing them. I just feel a lot of pressure right now to make sense of what I do know (my dissertation) as well as what I don't know (where I go from here).

I am trying to take each day as it comes and not get overwhelmed by it all. Thankfully I have begun to feel very at home in my new Cranbury house and I really enjoy being there. I find the mundane daily activities very relaxing : watching tv, playing with the cats, going for walks, cooking dinner, going swimming, sitting on the front porch, etc. It is good to be there and I can't think of a better place to figure out where I am going next.