Trying to Find Balance, Happiness and Other Elusive Qualities
The past week has had its ups and downs for me. I managed to get over my sleeping pill dependency, which was good. I think my inability to sleep however, had as much to do with my work and research as it did sleeping pills. On Tuesday I had what I am now referring to as a "Eureka" moment in regards to my research. I was sitting amongt the stacks of Cambridge's labyrinthine library, and I found the key piece of information I had been lacking. All the bits and pieces of what I had been looking at suddenly made total sense to me. I saw the big picture for the first time, and everything fell into place. I went home and re-wrote my dissertation proposal. For the first time since I began this research, I felt confident of what I had done. Tuesday night was also the first night that I actually slept soundly.
This is ultimately where my battle takes place. I have a real problem with doing things in moderation, and so it becomes easy for me to slip into obsession. With this comes wonderful moments of elation, but also many moments of agonizing self-scrutiny. I need to find balance, and that is a hard thing to do in this place. Everyone works pretty much all the time here. It gets to the point that it hard not to feel guilty when I am not in front of my computer or reading a book. Of course I know that I should just disregard this pressure and do what I need to do to be healthy. But this is very hard to carry into practice.
Perhaps this past week, moreso than any other week I have had at Cambridge, I began to question whether I really could be happy and healthy here for another three years. Rationally, I want so badly to be able to do my PhD. I truly do. Deep down, however, I know it will be a very big challenge for me. I am not happy on my own, and I often wish I was someplace else. The problem is, I don't know where that someplace is.
I was telling my mom these thoughts, and she said it was just a part of being in your early-twenties, being entirely independent for the first time and not sure what comes next. I guess it helps to think that other people feel just as lost and confused as I do, but no body seems to be saying so. Is everyone else just pretending to be ok with this?
posted by Laura @ 12:40 AM
2 Comments:
I don't think anyone is perfectly content with their current situation. How can anyone be? It's just that this time of life is scary for us. I personally fear that'll I'll make a wrong decision that'll affect the rest of my life negatively. However, that's just part of life. You're in cambridge for a reason and I think you'll learn more there than you could at home - in and outside of the classroom. That's cheesy, I know but I really believe it.
First off - We're all pretending, to some extent. I think most twenty somethings have a love-hate relationship with life. I really believe in the saying "life happens when you're making other plans" - you have to decide to be happy and sometimes just go with the flow. It's all give and take - we're gonna have to pick our battles and decide when and what to sacrifice for what we think is really important.
I'm here in law school for another 2 years and sometimes that thought is daunting, overwhelming even. Law school is a lot different than grad programs in the nature of the work and in the social setup, but I know what you mean about obsessing over work - I've never worked harder in my life. Believe me, I've had my breakdowns, but I've been lucky to surround myself with people who are going through the same thing and really build a support network - that is really key - if you build yourself a surrogate family, life is much easier.
Third - You are a damn smart girl. If you didnt get a PhD what would you do? I'm sure you'd find a job or whatever and do good...but you're great - you're too smart and too into academics to not get a PhD. Duh, its gonna be hard, if it wasnt hard, then it wouldnt be such a huge thing to have.
Finally - I think that our 20s is our "clicking" decade - your life is gonna fall into place eventually (as long as you keep up with it). Sometimes people's lives click in all areas at the same time, while others click at different times - socially, personally, spiritually, professionally, academically. Just because you're on your own right now doesnt meant you would be for the next 3 years. Things could click more at any time.
So basically, I think we're all in the same boat, we just have to be patient. Remember: everything is always okay in the end. If things aren't okay, then its not the end. Love ya!
Post a Comment
<< Home