Caryl, Theresa, Liz

... Thanks guys ....

Trying to Find Balance, Happiness and Other Elusive Qualities

The past week has had its ups and downs for me. I managed to get over my sleeping pill dependency, which was good. I think my inability to sleep however, had as much to do with my work and research as it did sleeping pills. On Tuesday I had what I am now referring to as a "Eureka" moment in regards to my research. I was sitting amongt the stacks of Cambridge's labyrinthine library, and I found the key piece of information I had been lacking. All the bits and pieces of what I had been looking at suddenly made total sense to me. I saw the big picture for the first time, and everything fell into place. I went home and re-wrote my dissertation proposal. For the first time since I began this research, I felt confident of what I had done. Tuesday night was also the first night that I actually slept soundly.

This is ultimately where my battle takes place. I have a real problem with doing things in moderation, and so it becomes easy for me to slip into obsession. With this comes wonderful moments of elation, but also many moments of agonizing self-scrutiny. I need to find balance, and that is a hard thing to do in this place. Everyone works pretty much all the time here. It gets to the point that it hard not to feel guilty when I am not in front of my computer or reading a book. Of course I know that I should just disregard this pressure and do what I need to do to be healthy. But this is very hard to carry into practice.

Perhaps this past week, moreso than any other week I have had at Cambridge, I began to question whether I really could be happy and healthy here for another three years. Rationally, I want so badly to be able to do my PhD. I truly do. Deep down, however, I know it will be a very big challenge for me. I am not happy on my own, and I often wish I was someplace else. The problem is, I don't know where that someplace is.

I was telling my mom these thoughts, and she said it was just a part of being in your early-twenties, being entirely independent for the first time and not sure what comes next. I guess it helps to think that other people feel just as lost and confused as I do, but no body seems to be saying so. Is everyone else just pretending to be ok with this?

No Sleep for the Weary

So I have a bit of a problem, in that I have managed to form a bit of an unfortunate reliance on sleeping pills. Yes, yes, I know, no good, etc. I brought some with me from the states to help me get over jetlag and go to sleep at an appropriate time. I took them last week in an effort to get to sleep when I needed to, and then decided it was time to stop over the weekend. Except for the past three nights I haven't been able to get to sleep!

On Friday I was up until 4 am, when I finally gave in and took a pill, and then Saturday night I was up until 5 am, and last night I never actually fell asleep because I was determined that I would not take a pill. So, needless to say, I am not so bright-eyed and bushy tailed today. My mom and I agreed that I just need to get through this and eventually my body will adjust. Not so fun in the meantime!

I really think part of my problem is that I have become a bit obsessive about my research and grant applications. I work until 1 or 2 am, not even realizing how late it is, and then I just can't seem to get my mind off of what I am doing. I really do think that it has gotten to the point of being unhealthy. So today I resolved that I would not even think about doing work, and have a totally relaxing and non-productive day. I am going to go meet some friends for a movie (3pm on a Monday!) and then maybe go to the gym, followed by a Desperate Housewives marathon. Yup. Thats the plan...

Thoughts on Homesickness

Well, I have gotten through my first week back at Cambridge. Being here, especially during the first week or so, is an emotional rollar coaster for me. I have some wonderful friends here and it is a great feeling to be welcomed back into the Leslie Barnett House. The people that I live with are like a family to me, but of course I still feel like I am a million miles away from where I truly want to be. Late at night when the house is silent and I am alone, I get very homesick. Last night I successfully made it through my first phone call home without crying. I suppose that is a milestone of sorts.

This continual reaction that I have whenever I go away is puzzling to me. As a child, I went away for months at a time without feeling terribly homesick. I think that the older I get the more aware I am of the mean and cold, "real world" out there, waiting for me. I don't even know what I think is so bad about being on my own. Perhaps NOT knowing makes the fear worse, as my imagination has always been able to create worse scenarios than could ever actually exist. Every time I leave home it is a reminder to me that I can not remain in my safe childhood home forever. Particularly now, in that it won't exist in a few months. I just wonder if I will ever be able to create a place of my own that provides that same comfort.

First Days are Hard

Sigh... back at Cambridge after an arduous 12 hours of traveling. The first hour or so of the trip I felt like I was back on that rollar coaster, right when the train has just cranked its way up to the top of the first peak. Thoughts of "is it too late to change my mind?" and "What am I doing here?" were going through my head. Then I just got too tired to care any more and went to sleep. And now I am here.

I know it will be good to be back once my eyes stop feeling like they are bleeding and I take a long hot shower. I still wish I was home, even though home doesn't really exist any more. I need to go to sleep.